Fire in my brain makes fire in our hearts
by Linneagb
Summary: Out of all people in New York, Bailey is on a visit and runs into Sarah. Happily about finally meeting again they keep walking, well. That until Sarah suddenly collapses, shaking of a seizure and is taken into hospital by ambulance. Story written for Epilepsy awareness.
1. Fire in your head

**Hey hop! Here I am with a brand new story. My first try on a story for party of five.**

 **I know Sarah returned in a po5- spin off with what happened to her in New York. But I haven't watched that so I'll just ignore all I know about that. None in that spin- off ever happened. Okay? Anyway, I just have another Author's note to go through before you can read the story.**

 **Well, today as I write this it is July the thirteenth. And if I finish this before then, then I'll put it up August the tenth. Why? You may ask. What's so special about August the tenth? August the tenth three years ago I was diagnosed with Epilepsy. Since then, I have basically done all I can to try and spread Epilepsy awareness as much as possible. And the thing is, it doesn't feel like anyone cares. You see all these aids for breast cancer awareness, go gold for children's cancer, November is blue for Diabetes and it goes on and on and on. And I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I think awareness should be spread all it can but then Epilepsy is mentioned and it's just quiet. Nobody cares.**

 **Did you know that more people die from Epilepsy than of breast cancer? Or car crashes caused by drunk drivers? Or skin cancer?**

 **Just checking.**

 **TRIGGER WARNING- this story has mentions of suicide and suicidal thoughts- TRIGGER WARNING.**

 **Anyway, here's something for my Epilepsy- anniversary (that sounds so sad, ugh) 2018. I hope you like it.**

"I'm fine Bai. I don't need a doctor and I didn't have to go with an ambulance."

Sarah laid tiredly slumped on a hospital bunk. I sat on a chair right next to it and wanted nothing more than to run away from myself. Or if there could have been anything I could do for Sarah.

Geez. I hadn't met her in years. And just like that! Poof! We run into each other in New York among all the million people there. And then just like that things changed and suddenly Sarah was ill. And I barely dared imagined how. What if something was really wrong? What if she had had a stroke? Or a fractured skull? Or a brain tumor?

"I told you there's nothing wrong." Sarah mumbled as if she could hear my thoughts. "I just want to go home and sleep in my own bed. God I have a headache and I don't even have a pillow here."

Sarah laid her head down towards the hard hospital bunk and looked away from me. I looked up towards the ER hallway- wasn't there anyone who could give us some news? Tell us what to do or run whatever tests you want. Give us some answers?

"I just want to go home and sleep." Sarah said again, for some strange reason I had a feeling she might not remember she'd said it before, only a few seconds ago. "Nothing's wrong I told you that."

I never knew what made me do it. But somehow, while Sarah kept on trying to reassure me everything was fine I sort of snapped. And when the words slipped from my lips they sounded angrier than what I had planned for them to.

"No Sarah. Everything is not fine and this isn't something you can just sleep off. You were seizing. Right on the street, among sleet and dirt and people gathering around you were shaking unconscious. I was scared half to death. One person helped, and one of the few things he said was asking if you'd had a seizure. I told him no and then he called for an ambulance. Because obviously that would be one of the reasons too."

I said it almost all in one word. Then stopped when I could see tears having risen in Sarah's eyes and in an annoyed move she wiped them away with the back of her hand.

"I'm sorry." I said at last, speaking slower and quieter this time. "I didn't mean to snap at you like that. And I'm sorry for making it about me but… I just can't sit around and watch you suffer. This isn't something to just ignore Sarah. A person doesn't just have a seizure out of nowhere. At least not when it's for the first time."

The answer would be one I hadn't expected. And after all of the time we had spent together a couple of years ago. Everything we had talked about those times and still it had never come up.

"It wasn't the first time."

 **Flashback**

New York City was cold on the December day that I met Sarah Reeves for the first time in years.

It started with me only walking down the street thinking to myself and crossing in between people on the crowded sidewalk. While I looked for the sign of the big toys' store everybody had heard about I was only in my own thoughts. And barely even noticed when I heard somebody calling out my name.

"Bailey Salinger?"

It took me a couple of seconds to realize I'd heard it. Then I stopped and turned around. Not seeing anyone I recognized I figured I must have imagined something, shook my head and kept on walking. Then jumped high when I felt a hand on my arm just as my name was called again.

"Bailey?"

"Sarah?"

For the last few steps up to me Sarah ran up and threw her arms around my neck. I couldn't help the big smile that had formed on my lips. It felt like a thousand years since Sarah had gone to New York to find her biological dad and since then I hadn't seen her.

"It's no nice to see you again. How are you? How did it go? Did you…"

I was on my way to ask if Sarah had found her dad coming here. But silent after half the question. That was quite a rude thing to ask meeting for the first time in years wasn't it? Well, Sarah still understood what I hadn't said.

"I did. We had a coffee, he didn't want anything to do with me later on. I was upset at first but then, the days passed by and one just can't be depressed in New York with everything there is to do and explore. And at the end of the day when I get home I'm upset but… it's getting better."

Sarah gave a small smile. But standing as close as we did I hugged her again when words just didn't want to come. I knew it had been important to her to find where she came from. Especially since what happened to her biological mum after her adoptive parents lied to her all her life.

"Enough about me." Sarah broke loose and took a step back. "I want to talk about you. What are you doing here? In New York? I thought you'd moved to Pennsylvania."

"I did. Christmas holidays. A few of the boys I knew wanted to go to New York City and here we are. And they are at the pub drinking and laughing at me because I only need and want to find my way to that big toys' store that is in Home Alone two."

"Come on." Sarah grabbed me by the arm and pulled me with her back in the direction I had just come from. "You've walked in the wrong direction. It's just down this block and then one street that way. And besides, let them laugh- that store is my favorite place in all of New York. It's so easy to stand in the middle of it and dream away about… seeing this little girl in a ballerina dress- she's going to be a ballerina when she grows up. That boy in the cowboy gear- he wants to do horse riding. And girl in the cowboy gear. She just wants to go her own way and play cowboys with the boys. Even if it means those little girls in ballerina outfits will tease her for it."

"And what about those kids that throw themselves on the floor kicking and screaming when they don't get what they want?"

"Those are just annoying. But come on. Tell me more about your life. If they wanted to go to New York and drink why didn't you go with them? I know you don't drink but you could have had an awesome time with your friends rather than walking around the streets of New York in the cold only getting lost and then more cold."

I jokingly stuck my tongue out at Sarah. She knew exactly how I felt about when I couldn't follow instructions about where something was at.

"I wasn't lost. I was just… I wanted to see New York I guess. I was thinking of going to that big toy store and get some last- minute Christmas presents for Owen, Diana and Snickers."

"Snickers?"

I could never help but laugh and smile when I thought of how "Snickers" had gotten his name. Nowadays we were so used to it we just called him by it without thinking. Sarah looked at me in confusion and I realized I would have to explain it to her.

"Well, Kirsten and Charlie got pregnant and had a son. Right before he was born deciding on the name, unfortunately Charlie promised Owen he would let him choose a name. And Owen thought for a bit. And then he wanted to name him Stewie. After some boy at his school that was good at soccer and flicking boogers. Anyway, it was a compromise and Kirsten, Charlie and Owen agreed on S- as in Stewart. Nicholas Salinger. Nick. But Julia asked, won't that make it Snick? And we were like… no it won't. But then S. Nicholas was a bit long."

"Does he like snickers chocolate? How old is he by the way?"

"Two and no. He's allergic to peanuts. So to the point that he'll die if he eats one. Which just gave us more reason to the nickname."

I gave another short laugh. But then suddenly realized Sarah wasn't by my side anymore. Well, that was strange? She wouldn't have stayed somewhere without telling me about it would she? Although I had kept on talking…

Realizing with all the people on the street, maybe she'd been held back or walked into someone.

"SARAH?"

While people were stopping around her I could see Sarah lying on the ground. As I ran closer and kneeled she was shaking of a seizure and I didn't know up from down.

"SARAH? Come on. Talk to me. Tell me what's going on."

Of course she didn't, what had her shaking like a leaf had her unconscious and her eyes had rolled back so I could only see the whites. A sight that made shivers run down my spine.

"HELP. HELP ME"

People had started gathering around me and Sarah. Noticing how her brown hair nudged the icy, dirty ground I ripped my scarf off and carefully pushed it in under her head. Also looking up and around.

There had to be someone around that knew what to do right.

"Help me." I begged to a man who kneeled on the other side of Sarah's trembling self. "I don't know what to do. Please help me." I barely even knew what to do. "Her name is Sarah. Please help her. Please help me. I don't know what to do. Please help."

"It's okay." The man was calm. "It's going to stop." He rubbed Sarah's arm as good as it was possible. "It's only a seizure. It's going to end…. Now." He looked up on me. "Has she had any seizures like this one before?"

Not that I knew of.

 **End of flashback**

"I had some when I was like five." Tears were rolling down Sarah's cheeks while she told me. "But I was like seven when I had one last until today. I had almost forgotten about it to be honest. But I can't have one. Not today."

"But there are meds aren't there?" I asked after a few moments of hesitation. It was all I could think of saying. "Maybe, if you can have the right ones then you can swallow a pill every day and you won't ever have a seizure again." Sarah only glared back at me. "I'm only trying to help Sar. But in that case they're only pills, it wouldn't be the end of the world."

"Well, those medicines come with side effects. Believe it or not Bai. They do have- loads of them. They put you in a constant bad mood, mood swings, blackouts and confusion. Insomnia, nightmares, suicidal thoughts. Don't just tell me there are meds. Because I'd seriously rather live with big seizures every day than all the side effects I got from the medicines I had to take when I was little."

"Oh…" Well, duh. Of course they did. "Well… since the medicines are supposed to go to something in the brain. That's where the side effects ought to be wouldn't it?"

Sarah only rolled her eyes at me as if I was the most stupid person in her life. Where she sat she suddenly seemed more silent than ever but I had a feeling she was about to say something soon. Something important.

"I learnt to tie my own shoelaces. And then as I was walking one of them loosened and untied. I looked down and those shoelaces were all around my foot and I just laid down. Right on the ground on the street where I was walking with my dad and didn't walk anymore. Just screamed out loud and kicked… and kicking on hard ground without shoes kind of hurts."

"Then why did you do it?"

The question had slipped my lips before I had the time to stop them. Sarah only pretended as if she hadn't heard it and continued with other examples.

"Another time I reached the last page of a magazine and ripped the whole thing into pieces- I didn't want it to end. And another time I shouted for ten minutes straight at my mum for buying vanilla ice cream instead of chocolate. Oh. And another time, when I had dance class. I started shouting at my teacher because I wanted to keep playing with my friends instead of starting the class. And that was when my… parents realized something wasn't quite working out. And then, as I took a bit of less medicines it got better. And then a bit less and I wasn't having any seizures… Then a little bit less and then once more until I was down on no medicines at all. No meds and no seizures…"

"Until today."

I finished the sentence for her when she had paused and didn't seem to find the right words. But she didn't respond. Only kept staring towards her side next to me and when I turned to look there, there was nothing else than a curtain.

"Sarah? Are you alright?"

I had my answer when I looked back and her eyes were just as empty still.

"Sarah?" Still no response. "SARAH?"

At last Sarah blinked and looked towards me as if she just hadn't heard me. And I was pretty sure she actually hadn't. Even though she was only a couple of meters away from me and she had heard me perfectly well until now.

"Is there any problems here?"

"N…"

"Yes." I answered and spoke louder than Sarah. "She… she was just staring right in front of her and she didn't hear what I was saying or anything. It was like she neither saw nor heard what she had right in front of her for several seconds."

"I think that was a seizure of a small kind." The nurse said smiling at me but with a frown in her forehead. "They're a bit unknown. But quite harmless. We'll be right here and take you up for an x-ray of your head miss Reeves." The nurse disappeared again and I was left looking from where she had disappeared to Sarah, back to the hallway and then back to Sarah.

"Small seizure? There are no small kinds of seizures are there? There can't be. Can it?"

"There are more than forty kinds of different epileptic seizures Bai. Not all of them involves dropping to the floor and shaking."

"Forty?"

Different kinds of illnesses and disabilities I had just never cared much for except for Charlie's cancer and Owen's learning disabilities. Now when I thought about it hit me exactly how little I had heard about Epilepsy. Despite, I figured soon- it must be one of the most common.

"Sixty five million people in the world has Epilepsy. It's obviously not going to look the same for everyone."

" _Sixty five millions."_

Learning about the close to infinite number of people who suffered from one single illness and trying to imagine all about who all of these people were I almost choked. I would know Epilepsy was one of the most common illnesses. But that common…

I barely noticed it when I copied those three words to myself. Only barely more than a breath but loud enough for Sarah to hear me and I saw her nodding back towards me with a given up look in her eyes.

"And if I remember it all right I wouldn't wish it for my worst enemy."

"But a lot of people have it." I tried. "Don't they? It's like one of those diseases that people all around- like asthma or diabetes. There are people with it everywhere living perfectly normal and healthy lives. Singers, doctors, nurses, teachers… You could still do anything you want with your life. If it turns out you have Epilepsy and I know you right that isn't going to change anything."

The expression on Sarah's face suddenly turned angrier than before.

"What is it you don't get Bailey Salinger? Things will change. They'll take my driver's license away and I will not have it back until at least six months from now. Then they'll give me whatever kind of meds and they'll take over me. They'll take over everything I do. Things are going to change whether you at this point choose to believe it or not."

"I believe you."

How could I not? Sarah was the one who had seen this up close before. I was not. And what from today was perfectly enough when I for real heard what Sarah had just said lately and realized why it would have to be like that.

"And that is why I don't want to be here. I could have just gone home and forgotten about it and then I'll probably never have a seizure again."

"So what if you do? What happens if that happens again?" I asked, more angrily than I had expected or planned. Then stood up and started pacing back and forth the few meters by Sarah's bed. "Because they do that thing with your driver's license for a reason you know. What if you drive? And that happens again. A few seconds passes by while you don't even see what you have right in front of you. And then all of a sudden there's an eighteen wheeler coming from the other direction. What's going to happen then?"

I finished then suddenly hissed when I heard my own words and new tears rolled down Sarah's cheeks.

"I have a job. I teach kindergartener's to dance. But I need a driver's license. I have to go from one school to the other. When they take my driver's license I will lose it and I never thought I'd have a job I'd like this much. And even the children love me. I don't want this to change… Things have to change… If I don't have a job I can't pay rent and there where am I going to go? I can't be one of those wrapped up in a cardboard box lying on the street all night every night. Can I?"

"Then come with me." I said before I had the time to change my mind and interrupted. Not that I'd believe there was a chance. But after everything I still loved Sarah as much as ever and I wasn't letting anything happen to her. Sarah flinched and turned towards me. "Come to Pennsylvania with me. Live with me. And whenever you want to go anywhere, I can drive you. Okay?"

"And then we're going." Before Sarah had answered the same nurse as before came past the curtain and pushed it away. "Time for that x-ray. We can take you up now. You just stay where you are and lay down and we'll just take you there. If you want to then…"

"Bailey."

"Bailey can come with you. But we are going now. I have seen people trying to run away at this point and it just causes a whole lot of extra work for us so I hope you don't. Plus, we want to know what happened today don't we?"

Sarah didn't exactly look as if she agreed with the nurse. She looked as if she was one of the ones that wanted to be added to the list of those who tried to run away. In anything near a comforting move I sat down again to be near her height.

"It's okay." All of a sudden, without hesitating and taking her hand tenderly I looked Sarah into the eyes. "I'll stay here if you want me to." For a moment it was all quiet, then I could see a barely noticeable bobbing on Sarah's head. "I'll come then."

"And if we're doing something that you don't agree with you can just tell us. Maybe we can find another way to do it." Sarah nodded but didn't lie down. "Come on honey." Sarah barely shook her head and new tears rolled down her cheeks. "The sooner we do this the earlier it will be over and done. It's just some x-ray of the brain and the skull. Nothing that's going to hurt. And then you can go to the ward. You might want to stay for the night in case you have more seizures."

"I don't want to."

It was only a whisper, only I and Sarah herself could hear it. The nurse still stood by our sides and to Sarah. I hoped that the slight squeeze of her hand in mine could speak well enough for the moment. It seemed it did, because then, without letting go Sarah laid down.

"Let's just get this over with."

When I looked into Sarah's eyes I felt something in my chest. In my heart. Something I hadn't felt in a long time.

Something I should have known all along there was nobody else than Sarah who could make me feel.

 **I'm thinking that I might add one more chapter to this for Christmas. Does anyone out there think I should? Oh yeah… I have some ideas. I really do think I'll put up another chapter for Christmas. November is Epilepsy awareness month so by then I'll be able to say how it went this year if I managed to make some kind of change. See you then.**

 **Random fact (I always leave one of these at the end of a chapter. Sometimes more than one)**

The part where Bailey questions Sarah what would happen if she keeps her driver's license and then have a seizure behind the wheel is actually not meant to scare her. Even though it's true. But it's referring to two things- it's what I use describing to people why I can't drive. And two- the line "and eighteen wheelers can't stop on a dime" from the song "Three wooden crosses" by Randy Travis.

Another one. Yes, those medicines does get people in a bad mood. Difference between me and Sarah is that she was seven and I am twenty three. I don't recognize myself anymore. I'm angry all the time and my shoelaces being untied is enough for me wanting to lay down on the floor and then just lay there and die- why am I telling you this? For more Epilepsy awareness. Epilepsy don't just affect children. They don't just affect the ones whose brains are on fire- but also everyone around them. And I don't care if I have to put this note in every chapter I'm ever writing again. If that will make a change I will. Maybe if I spread enough awareness something will happen, science will change- more new kinds of meds will be found or made. Maybe even a cure (I am allowed to dream) and then the next generation of epileptics won't have to go through what I am. And yes, I have checked with some other people who has it and it's been the same for them.


	2. Makes fire in our hearts

**Thanks to CharlieSmarts12, brighteyes412 and "guest" for reviewing.**

 **(To anyone else who saw the review. The guest isn't some creep who pretends they know me. It actually is my mum. She's a fan of party of five and wants to spread Epilepsy awareness so I asked her to read it)**

 **I'm thinking Diana and Snickers look like Princess Estelle and Prince Oscar (Of Sweden). They're about the right age and they're even siblings in real life (although Diana and Snickers only half) .I thought it would work.**

 **This, second and last chapter of the story, is told from Sarah's POV.**

 **I didn't like Julia and Griffin together from the start of the series. But as you're probably going to see in this chapter, towards the end when they broke up I couldn't live with them not being together.**

I must have forgotten all about, what it was to have Epilepsy since just until the week before Christmas, I hadn't had a seizure since I was little.

One thing I must have forgotten about was the constant worrying if I would have a seizure. Will I have one now? Or now? Or now?

And I didn't even know if I had Epilepsy again.

I had pretty much eaten only noodles the past few months for lunch and dinner and at least twice more per day. In the hospital there was said something about me being anemic which might have been the cause of the seizure. At least I thought there had something about that. Everything that I had experienced with Bailey at the hospital was a blur of a few, short memories.

Maybe it would be enough with eating healthy and the iron infusion I had gotten. Then I'd never have a seizure again.

I couldn't know now how long it would take before I even knew if I had Epilepsy again or not.

Since I had been so little back then, I didn't know how long it had taken the last time but my… adoptive parents had mentioned some time it took months, almost a year. And then something about that with that kind of Epilepsy. That they had to check if I had a brain tumor, which took a whole lot of more waiting.

Hang on… What if the reason I had had a seizure again was…

No, no. I couldn't have a brain tumor. That just couldn't be it.

As if only Epilepsy wasn't bad enough?!

But what if?

There were so many thoughts spinning in my head on Christmas day I barely even noticed that it was Bailey and not me that didn't get finished so we could leave our small hotel room and go to Charlie and Kirsten's to for real have Christmas.

Instead Bailey ran around searching for yet one thing yet the other. Or there was something he needed to sort out first. And then we had to go by the supermarket to get a Christmas gift for Charlie and Kirsten too.

"Why did we even stay at a hotel by the way?" I asked Bailey when he drove us towards his older brother's house. "There must be someone who would have let us stay with them. And hotel is quite expensive and even worse now…"

 _Now I lost my job as a dance teacher since I won't be able to drive to the classes anymore._

I couldn't even say it. If I said it, it would have to be true.

"Don't worry about that." Bailey made a right turn. "I've got some money saved. I just didn't want to interrupt on somebody's private life during Christmas and everything. And upon that, you and I get some time of our own in between everything. That's not too bad is it?"

I didn't have anything against Christmas celebrations. But hospital visits with doctors, nurses, other patients. Then waiting for a letter that would tell me when I could get an EEG done to find out if I actually had Epilepsy again or not…

Well everything just kind of wore me out. I had to agree with Bailey that it wasn't so bad getting away from everybody and everything every once in a while. And that in a somewhat quiet hotel room where we could be on our own.

We were late for several reasons. But at last we weren't in Kirsten and Charlie's house until after they had opened all of their other presents.

It was a small problem. It was just that after everything that had happened I would have liked to just forget everything else and watch the children beaming happily for the gifts they got. Just for a moment I didn't want to feel tired, worried, angry and sad. Instead I just felt stressed out since we had been asked to be there at four and we weren't there until right before five.

"It feels strange not to have to run up like fifty stairs to get to Charlie's house." I said in a monotone while I and Bailey crossed the driveway to Charlie and Kirsten's house. "So tell me again… who are going to be here?"

"Charlie and Kirsten of course. Their son who we call Snickers. And then Charlie and Daphne's daughter Diana, she spends every other Christmas at Daphne's and every other with us. And then Julia and Griffin…"

"Julia and Griffin? I thought they broke up and Julia was with Justin again and Griffin was engaged with someone… or something like that?"

"Yeah something like that. But somehow they broke up and then they realized they were meant to be together. I'm not exactly sure how it happened but we all know they were happy together once and… Hey Snick."

A little kid I'd never seen before came to open the door after Bailey had rang the doorbell. I figured this must be Snickers. Charlie was right by him and with a shy look towards me the little one hid behind his dad's leg.

"Hey." Charlie laughed. "It's just Uncle Bailey and Sarah. You don't have to be afraid of them." Charlie lifted Snickers up on his hip and took a few steps back. "Come in guys, come in. You're so late we've already had the time to open all presents but I can see you even brought some more." He nodded to the plastic bag in Bailey's hand. "It's nice to see you again Sarah… Bailey told me about what happened. Are you okay?"

I suppressed a sigh knowing I would have to be able to live with getting that question again and again and again during the months nearest now. That would be if I didn't have any more seizures. Every time I had one it would start all over again.

"Yeah. I'm okay. It's nice to see you again too. Hey Snickers." I smiled at the little boy who had his face half hidden in his father's shirt. "My name is Sarah. We haven't met before but I used to know your uncle Bailey very well." Snickers just smiled slightly, before we made our way into a big living room. I looked around and greeted everyone I knew.

"I haven't seen you since you were little." I told Diana. "So you don't remember me. But… I and Bailey did get you a Christmas gift." I pulled one of the presents out of the bag in Bailey's hand. "Here you go."

"Wow." Diana opened the present- a lava lamp full of gold glitter. "This is beautiful. I bet it's real gold."

I smiled at Bailey for a second, never in my life could I afford anything of real gold. But if that's what she wanted to believe then I wasn't going to crush it for her. Instead I pulled up two more presents from the bag and gave them to Owen and Snickers.

"I know who you are." Owen said with a big smile. "You and Bailey helped me read. I can read much better now. I read Harry Potter. I can't wait until the next book comes out. And I think the books are so far better than the movies. Cool." He had finally opened the present and rolled up the poster from Harry Potter and the sorcerer's stone we had gotten for him. "Awesome."

"Can't wait?" Charlie joked and ruffled his little brother's hair. "You've only read the first so far so you've got a few left."

When Owen looked up from the poster and the second Harry Potter book that laid right next to him, for just a moment he was younger than now. Struggling in school and needing extra help if it was going to be made any better, a toddler that never had known his parents, a little boy that had gone through more than what some people go through in a whole lifetime.

"A HORSE." Snickers shouted at the stuffed animal he had gotten and I was pulled back to reality and turned towards him. When he hugged it it turned out it was about twice the size of himself. "I love horses. And it's so soft. Thanks Bailey…"

"Hey, don't forget to thank Sarah too."

Snickers had forgotten all about being shy, dropped the horse and hugged my legs as tight as he could instead while shouting.

"THANK YOU SARAH."

"Aw." Kirsten had opened the one for her and Charlie. "Mitten for two hands so you can…" She put her hand into one side and Charlie on the other side so they could hold each other's hand inside the mitten. "That's perfect."

"I'm sorry." Bailey hit his arms out slightly. "We didn't really get the time to go buy any other presents. But…" Snickers grabbed one and ran up to Bailey with it who opened it. "A drawing? With a frame? Did you draw this one yourself? It's so beautiful…"

"We didn't really have the time to get you anything since we didn't know you were coming until yesterday." Claudia told me while Bailey sat down on a few pillows on the floor next to the fireplace and showed me to sit down next to him.

I didn't answer. I didn't mind no presents at all. This was perfectly enough only spending Christmas night with all of these people.

The room was half dark only lit up by the lights on the Christmas tree and the fire in the fireplace. Kirsten and Charlie were sorting out dinner in the kitchen and good smell of Christmas food spread into the whole place. Then for a moment I almost forgot…

And for a moment I was just happy where I was.

"Don't worry about that Claud." I said at last since I could see on her that she wanted an answer. "I didn't realize until now how much I've actually missed you guys. So only being here is enough of a Christmas gift."

Claudia looked thoughtfully around, I could tell it wasn't long before she was going to say something.

"Charlie's with Kirsten, Julia's with Griffin, Bailey and Sarah are together again and I and Owen are singles. It's like we just went… a number of years back in time and nothing's changed."

I looked around too and had to realize that Claudia was right!

And I was even left back where I was with Epilepsy, without a driver's license and on my way to tell Bailey that I wanted to move in with him again.

It was at that thought about that driver's license that suddenly I could feel tears rising in my eyes and suddenly they were streaming down my cheeks, too fast for me to wipe them all away. I had cried many times the past week. But this was something else- this was for everything that had changed, what was going to change and how much I hated it.

"Are you okay?"

I could hear Bailey whispering in my ear as his palm went up and down towards my arm. I leaned my head to the side and against his shoulder without answering.

When I felt Bailey lay his head towards mine I didn't know how I had ever survived for so long without him. Through the hopefulness when I went to New York to meet my biological dad. To the nervousity of trying to get to know someone and make friends. And then the heartbreak, finding out my dad didn't want anything to do with me and the feeling of that I had been all alone in the whole wide world.

Now things were changing all over again. I didn't know if I'd have to start on the same medicines I had taken when I was younger. I didn't know what kind of medicines I would have to get. I didn't know whether I'd have to take any medicines at all or if I could just continue like I did and hoping I would have no more seizures.

But feeling Bailey's strong arm around me, and watching the fire in the fireplace burning hot like the fire in my heart. And somehow knowing that Bailey's heart burned just as bright. The thought about Epilepsy, medicines, seizures and hospitals were long gone.

At least for a minute, at least for now I just felt that I was here and now. And I felt that I was safe.

 **I just had to make Owen say that the Harry Potter books are better than the movies.**

 **(And yes, I know that the British, original of the book and movie was called philosopher's stone)**

 **Random fact**

It takes long before they do an EEG- test after having a seizure? Oh yes, it does. In 2015- February the 27th I had my first seizure(s), April the 20th I had an EEG test. April the 21t I had surgery to remove a lump from my stomach. There they told me it was looking as if I had Epilepsy. But I didn't get the final diagnosis until August the tenth.

After that, it wasn't until in October some time until they made an MRI to check if I had a brain tumor. And then three weeks more before I found out I didn't. And nobody really mentions that so… I just want to spread it with some other awareness and it ended with this story. Because something in this whole thing needs to change and we have to make somebody listen.

 **Thank you for reading. I hope you liked it.**

 **(And Sarah doesn't have a brain tumor by the way. It's "only" Epilepsy)**

 **Merry Christmas and happy new year.**

 **-Linnéa**


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